School of Conversation — Element of Motivation
Someone says:
“I really need to start exercising.”
You see your opening.
“You absolutely do. You’d feel better. You’d sleep better. You’d have more energy. You could start walking every morning. You should probably—”
They begin explaining why they cannot.
Interesting.
They arrived arguing for change.
You supplied so many reasons for changing that they were left holding the other side of the argument.
Sometimes the best person to make the case—
is them.
Change Talk
In motivational interviewing, change talk is language that leans toward change.
It might sound like:
“I want to…”
“I could…”
“I need to…”
“I have to…”
“Things would be better if…”
“I’m getting tired of…”
“I think I’m ready…”
These are important sentences.
Do not run past them.
Listen for the Lean
Someone says:
“I don’t know. I’m just tired of living like this.”
There.
The door moved.
Instead of immediately prescribing:
“What are you getting tired of?”
Let them describe the reason.
Desire
“I want to get out more.”
You might ask:
“What would you like about getting out more?”
Now they speak the attraction.
“I’d meet people.”
“I’d stop feeling like every day is the same.”
“I miss being outside.”
Their reasons.
Their spell.
Ability
Someone says:
“I could probably walk after dinner.”
Do not immediately improve the plan.
“What makes after dinner seem doable?”
They may say:
“I’m already home, and it’s cooler then.”
Good.
They are identifying their own workable terrain.
Reasons
“I’d probably sleep better if I stopped drinking coffee so late.”
Try:
“What difference would better sleep make for you?”
Now one reason may reveal another.
“I’d have more patience with the kids.”
Interesting.
The original issue was coffee.
The deeper motivation may be family.
Need
“I need to get this debt under control.”
Ask:
“What makes it feel important now?”
Perhaps:
“I’m tired of being afraid to open my bank account.”
There.
That sentence may contain more motivational power than twenty financial lectures.
Commitment
Listen for stronger language.
“I’m going to call tomorrow.”
Different from:
“I should call sometime.”
When commitment appears, support it.
“What’s your plan for making the call?”
Now intention begins becoming action.
Do Not Argue for Their Change Harder Than They Do
This is one of the strange traps.
They say:
“Maybe I should quit.”
You say:
“Yes. Absolutely. Here’s why.”
They respond:
“Well, the job isn’t that bad.”
Now you are campaigning for their resignation while they defend their employer.
How did we get here?
When you take one side too aggressively, humans often begin supplying the missing side.
Let them own their argument.
Ask Evocative Questions
Instead of:
“Don’t you think you’d feel better if you changed?”
Try:
“What might be better if you changed?”
The first contains your answer.
The second asks for theirs.
Ask About the Future
“If nothing changes, where do you think this is headed?”
Powerful.
Or:
“If this went well, what would life look like six months from now?”
Now they compare futures.
You are not threatening.
You are helping them look down the road.
Ask About the Past
“Was there a time when this was working better?”
They say:
“Yeah. Last summer.”
“What was different then?”
Now previous success becomes evidence.
Perhaps the person already possesses part of the spell.
Ask About Importance
“On a scale from zero to ten, how important is this to you?”
They say:
“Seven.”
Interesting.
Do not ask:
“Why not ten?”
That invites arguments against change.
Ask:
“Why a seven instead of a three?”
Now they explain why it matters.
Clever little spell.
Ask About Confidence
“How confident are you that you could do it?”
“Five.”
“What would move it to a six?”
Perhaps:
“If I had someone to go with.”
Now the obstacle becomes visible.
Reflect Change Talk
They say:
“I hate waking up feeling like this.”
You might reflect:
“You’re getting tired of paying for it the next morning.”
They say:
“Exactly.”
The motivation becomes clearer through hearing it returned.
Summarize Their Reasons
Later:
“So you’re thinking about changing because you’re tired of the mornings, you’re spending more money than you want, and you liked how you felt when you took that month off.”
Notice:
These are not your reasons.
You gathered theirs.
That distinction matters.
Do Not Manufacture Motivation
Sometimes someone does not want to change.
You ask:
“What would be better if you stopped?”
They say:
“Nothing.”
Information acquired.
Do not keep fishing until they provide the approved answer.
Motivational interviewing is not a sophisticated technique for forcing someone to want what you want.
Agency remains.
Ambivalence Is Normal
“I want to leave, but I love them.”
Both.
“I want the promotion, but I don’t want the responsibility.”
Both.
“I want to save money, but I like traveling.”
Both.
Do not immediately destroy one side.
Explore.
Ambivalence is often the actual terrain before change.
Ask Permission Before Offering Information
Eventually you may know something useful.
Try:
“Would it be okay if I shared something that might help?”
They say yes.
Share briefly.
Then return:
“What do you make of that?”
Information enters their decision-making process.
It does not replace it.
Their Reasons Are Usually Stronger
You can tell someone:
“You should take better care of yourself.”
Fine.
They might tell themselves:
“I want enough energy to play with my daughter.”
Which spell do you think has deeper roots?
People live inside their own values.
Find those.
The Mage’s Practice
When someone begins talking about change, resist immediately becoming the expert.
Listen for:
I want.
I could.
I need.
I might.
I’m tired of.
Things would be better if.
Then ask about those words.
“Why?”
“What would that give you?”
“What makes you think you could?”
“What would the first step look like?”
Let them build the case.
You can provide maps.
Information.
Encouragement.
Experience.
But motivation borrowed from another person is often fragile.
Motivation discovered in one’s own mouth has roots.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do when someone is trying to change is stop casting long enough for them to hear their own voice.
The spell belongs to them.
Let them speak it.
Leave a Reply