School of Conversation — Element of Direction
Some questions contain their own answers.
Not openly.
They hide them inside the walls.
“Why are you being so selfish?”
Interesting question.
Before you answer, notice what you have already agreed to if you step through the doorway:
You are being selfish.
The only remaining mystery is why.
The Loaded Question
A loaded question contains an assumption that has not yet been established.
“Why don’t you care about this family?”
“When are you going to start taking your work seriously?”
“Why do you always need to control everything?”
“Have you finally stopped lying?”
If you answer directly, you may accidentally accept the hidden premise.
“I care because—”
Too late.
You entered through the crooked doorway.
Find the Hidden Premise
Before answering, separate the question into pieces.
“Why are you avoiding responsibility?”
Visible question:
Why?
Hidden claim:
You are avoiding responsibility.
Now you can decide whether you agree with that claim.
Maybe you do.
Then answer.
“You’re right. I have been avoiding it because I’m overwhelmed.”
Useful.
But perhaps you don’t.
Then the premise itself needs attention first.
Refuse the Premise, Not the Person
A clean response might be:
“I don’t agree that I’m avoiding responsibility.”
Then perhaps:
“If you want to talk about the fact that I haven’t finished the report, we can talk about that.”
Notice what happened.
You did not answer the loaded question.
You also did not flee.
You replaced the crooked doorway with a straight one.
Translate the Accusation Into an Event
Someone says:
“Why are you trying to control me?”
Instead of immediately defending your entire character:
“What am I doing that feels controlling to you?”
Now the conversation has to come down from abstraction.
Maybe:
“You keep asking where I’m going.”
Good.
That is something observable.
Now you can discuss whether asking is reasonable, excessive, anxious, necessary, or none of those things.
You have something to work with.
Sometimes the Premise Is Partly True
Loaded questions are not automatically false.
“Why are you refusing to listen?”
Perhaps you have interrupted six times.
There may be a coin in there.
Try:
“I agree that I’ve been interrupting you. I don’t think I’m refusing to listen. Finish what you were saying.”
Again:
Take what belongs to you.
Leave what doesn’t.
The Trap of Defending Too Much
Suppose someone asks:
“Why are you so obsessed with money?”
You respond with a fifteen-minute explanation proving that you are not obsessed with money.
Now money has somehow acquired fifteen minutes of evidence demonstrating its importance to you.
Sometimes the stronger response is shorter.
“I don’t think I am.”
Silence.
The other person may then provide evidence.
Good.
Now you have something real to discuss.
You do not have to construct a cathedral of defense around every accusation.
Ask for the Straight Question
One of the most useful spells is:
“Can you ask me what you actually want to know?”
For example:
“Why don’t you trust me?”
“Are you asking whether I checked your phone?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Ask me that.”
Now:
“Did you check my phone?”
Straight doorway.
Much easier.
Beware the Counter-Trap
Once you recognize loaded questions, you may become very clever.
Dangerously clever.
Someone asks:
“Why were you late?”
You announce:
“That’s a loaded question.”
No.
You were forty minutes late.
The premise is visible from space.
Not every uncomfortable question is loaded.
Sometimes you simply don’t like the answer.
Do not use conversational technique to turn accountability into a philosophy seminar.
Loaded Compliments Exist Too
Not every hidden premise is hostile.
“How did you get so good at talking to people?”
Hidden premise:
You are good at talking to people.
Lovely.
Still an assumption.
Maybe you disagree.
Or:
“How do you stay so calm?”
Perhaps you don’t.
You can correct gently:
“I actually don’t always stay calm. I’ve just practiced noticing it sooner.”
Even flattering premises can distort reality.
The Mage does not need to accept every crown offered.
Questions Can Smuggle Choices
Another crooked doorway:
“Do you want to apologize now or after dinner?”
Interesting.
We have skipped:
Whether you believe you owe an apology.
Or:
“Are you going to tell her, or should I?”
Perhaps:
“Before we decide who tells her, I want to decide whether she needs to be told.”
Back up.
Find the hidden fork.
Your Own Questions Have Premises Too
This spell becomes much more interesting when turned inward.
Listen to yourself.
“Why are you ignoring me?”
Do you know they are?
“Why are you angry?”
Do you know they are?
“Why don’t you want to come?”
Perhaps they do want to come and cannot.
Try:
“I noticed you haven’t answered my messages. Is something going on?”
Or:
“You seem angry to me. Am I reading that correctly?”
The doorway straightens.
The other person gets room to tell you what room they are actually standing in.
The Mage’s Practice
When a question makes you feel strangely trapped, don’t immediately search for an answer.
Inspect the doorway.
Ask:
What would I have to accept as true in order to answer this question as written?
If you accept the premise:
Enter.
If you don’t:
Say so.
Then find the actual issue underneath it.
“I don’t agree with that description. What happened that made you see it that way?”
Now the conversation has somewhere honest to go.
Not every doorway placed in front of you leads to a room you need to enter.
Some were built crooked.
You don’t have to kick them down.
You don’t have to run away.
Sometimes the Mage simply looks at the frame and says:
“No. Let’s build the question again.”
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